


Unfair Sadness

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Titles, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24748966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus sat in his room and he's sad and he might just die this once. Hopefully.OrJanus thinks of thoughts and it's unfair and why can't he be happy too?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 71





	Unfair Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> Hi :)

Janus sat in his room, crying, like the loser he was. He was thinking about Virgil again. About how he never got to say goodbye to him. About how it feels so unfair, he didn't get a warning, no signs, he couldn't have known and he hated it. He'd just woken up one day and Virgil wasn't there. Virgil had left him. Virgil used to say he'd never leave, that he and Janus would always be together.

Janus should've known that would turn out to be a lie. Or maybe he'd meant it at the time, then realized everything wrong with Janus. He used to say he'd never hate Janus, "we'll always be friends, no matter what," he'd say, but he'd be lying.

He'd be lying.

Everything they used to do, feel, be, it was all a lie. Empty promises. Nothing more, "I love you." meant nothing. "You'll stay with me, right?" and Janus would say yes, yes obviously, he loved him so much, he'd always stay. Guess the sentiment wasn't reciprocated. All of their soft, loving moments didn't mean shit.

It never did.

Everything, everything and nothing, nothing ever meant anything to Virgil, and everything meant so much to Janus. So much that was wasted. Virgil didn't tell him what changed, he didn't tell him what he did wrong, what he could do different. And so Janus was left wondering. Wondering what was so terrible about him that Virgil just up and left like he did, wondering what he could've done differently, wondering if he could've made Virgil stay, wondering that if he changed himself enough he could be on talking terms with his old best friend again.

He was left to ponder, and think. Thinking was extremely dangerous. Well, nowadays it is. It used to be so easy, it used to be a good thing. Now it's just.. painful. His thoughts used to be whether or not Virgil would let him paint his nails, or what movie they'd watch that night, or how long they'd cuddle before one of them fell asleep, or if they'd wake Remus while trying to make marshmallows at almost 4am. Cute, simple things.

Now it was full of things like, this is why he left you, oh my god can you get more pathetic, shut up, no one cares, get over yourself, he's happy without you, he never liked you, he's better now, you shouldn't be eating that much you fucking fatass do you want Remus to leave you like Virge did, idiot, how much will you cut later, how deep will they be, you deserve it, you're disgusting look at you all covered in cuts and scars and burns, those aren't even deep enough, if you're gonna hurt yourself do it right you failure, you can't even commit suicide right, Virgil left you because he saw everything you wanted to deny, cut deeper you pussy, you're lucky he stayed around that long, you didn't deserve a goodbye. 

.. the thoughts now weren't the best.

Janus believed them. They were true, why wouldn't he believe them? That's his job; Deceit. Though, he wouldn't be surprised if he failed at his function, too. He was pretty useless. Correction, very useless. 

If he wasn't, then why did Virgil leave him?

Why did he space out for who-knows-how-long only to come out of it with tears flowing down his face? Why did he slice open his thighs one night and complain about it like a whiny bitch the next day, because of course it would hurt, idiot, you put a box cutter to your sensitive skin, obviously it hurts-

Why did he want to cry all hours of the day? Why did he flinch at every loud noise, caused by his paranoia, because he never can seem to sleep since.. that.. happened..?

So, he was. He was useless. Not like that was surprise to anyone who's ever known him. Janus wished he could go back to that time --maybe one year after Virge left-- where he was emotionally numb. Where he could go through day-to-day life without his fucking bitchy ass "emotions" tearing him down at every chance. Where he didn't have to acknowledge his sadness or hurt or pain and he could just be empty and numb and unfeeling.

It was so much easier. Better, like Virgil now was. Virgil. Goddammit, he can't stop thinking of Virgil. Janus wished he could be mad mad at Virgil, but in reality he couldn't even bring himself to be mad. He'd feel bad if he called him a bitch. He'd feel bad if he said it was all his fault he had all this fucking issues.

He'd feel bad.

He'd always feel bad, no matter what. Everything always led him back to feeling bad or sad. Why did Virgil have to leave him? It felt so unfair.. actually, it was probably karma. Janus never believed in karma. 

He'd done things and nothing ever happened about them, except a scolding or two if someone found out, and he always used to say: "if karma is real, then why haven't I had anything bad happen to me?" Maybe his best friend (and his first love, but mentioning that bit hurts a little too much) leaving him was his karma.

If so, karma really is a bitch and if Janus ever got his hands on it, he wouldn't hesitate to beat the crap out of it's shitty fucking self, because that was seriously fucked up.

Lying was his purpose, for fucks sake, and making an important person in his life leave thus making him severally depressed and leading him to attempt suicide twice before giving up and settling on cutting his thighs and legs and arms (rarely, it gave him a higher chance of getting caught so he only did it when he was kinda far too gone and automatically regretted it the next day) seemed drastically unfair.

Janus sat in his room.

Thinking. It was unfair, wasn't it? Virgil got his happy ending. Janus didn't. He supposed it wasn't important, Virgil deserved it so much more than he did, Virgil deserved the world. 

Janus might actually bleed out this time, hopefully. But he knows that's just wishful thinking. He'd never be granted that satisfaction, and he didn't deserve too.

Janus sat in his room, alone, and sad, and he might just die this time.


End file.
